I confess
by DanielleKeys
Summary: I don’t know if it changes anything, but to me, Sirius was like the sunset. He was all kinds of beautiful bundled together. He made my heart drown in love, almost, but it wasn’t enough. The life he showed me wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough.


_If I had to do it all over, **I confess**, I'd do it again._

**My halo's slipping down.** It's such a strange feeling to know it will soon be over. My life as I knew it, the world as I knew it. Everything will end. And I can't change it. Neither do I want to. All that lies ahead is what I myself have chosen. It's the path I decided to take, because I didn't want to stand in the way of this all-consuming hurricane. I just wanted to share in its power. And I will. I will very soon. When all has come to an end.

My wings have already crumbled to dust. I don't miss them. They were a nuisance anyway. Does going to church make one a Saint? Does having wings make one an angel? I never was an angel to begin with. No matter what they tell you, will make you believe, I never was an angel. I could only pretend for so long. I'm better off without them, but I wonder if others will think the same. I wonder what he'll think.

Gudrun Grinwand, they call me, Beater on the Gryffindor team, excellent DADA student, sweet and caring, loyal and trustful. Everything they think I am, I am not. Not even my name they have right. Gudrun, indeed, but had they ever imagined I was a Grindelwald? Do they know what I did over summer? Every night I dream of the fires and every morning I wake up with a smile on my face. They must've heard of the attacks on Muggles in Liverpool, yet they don't link it to me. Because they've not yet seen met without my halo and wings. But the time will come, very soon.

Every lie I once told is revealing itself. But he doesn't see it yet. Sometimes I think he's blind when it comes to me. And it is on those moments that I realise he's too good for me, not only in looks, but also his personality.

He is honest, to the point of being blunt, and devoted. He cares, for everything and nothing at the same time. He is smart, though he could never match Remus' wit, and his sharp remarks brighten up my day.

I can't remember how Sirius and I got together. It just happened. One moment we were yelling at each other and the other his lips found their way to mine and I found myself pulling his hair and arching my back just to get him closer. His kisses are my remedy, his fingers touch my heart gently and his eyes show me genuine affection. Every time I look at him my heart almost drowns in the love I feel for him. Almost.

But today really is the end of it. Today I drowned and died, yes, but not in his love, though. I drowned in my rage and in her terror; I drowned in profanities and whatever she yelled at me. But mostly, I drowned in her blood.

She still stares at me from where I laid her down on the ground. Her eyes are wide open, fear evident in them and her mouth is frozen in a silent scream for help. Help never came and I did my job well.

I followed her tonight, when she left the safety of Dumbledore's office to head back to her home in London. Did they really think I was stupid? It was foolish of Dumbledore to hold the secret Order of the Phoenix meetings in his office. He brought them to the lair of the lion. And I not only roar; I also bite.

She smiled when she heard my footsteps. Her eyes were bright when she turned around and said my name.

'Gudrun, how are you?'

Only my grandfather had called me Gudrun, everyone else just said Gee. But here this silly brunette was, saying my name, and it sounded so wrong. My eyes narrowed, yet I managed to smile back at her.

It would be a lie to say she wasn't beautiful, Dorcas Meadowes, but there was something in her ways that annoyed me. Her smile was too charming; her words were too witty, her mind too knowing.

Ever since first year I had to put up with her. She had been a third year then, loved by all. It's foolish to believe one person deserves so much love, yet they all gave it to her. In her sixth year she found her way into the arms of Fabian Prewett and he vowed to guard her for the rest of their lives together. Little did he know that that life wouldn't last much longer now.

She never saw it coming. When she finally understood what I had come to do, she didn't even have the time to scream. But in those mere seconds I took in her fear and her desperation and I found myself wishing it never ended. I could taste her blood, though there was none, and I smelled her angst. My heart started pumping faster and I suddenly I was aware of the entire world around me. Her despair was like a caress to me.

I heard the wretched cries of those I had killed before echo through my mind. The fire flashed before my eyes. All those Muggles that died there, because of me. The memory of them I combined with Dorcas' downfall. Never had I felt such ecstasy before.

Avada Kedavra, the most beautiful words I have ever spoken.

She fell to the ground and all I could do was smile. I smiled like never before. Because never before had I felt so good.

Le petite morde, the French call it. The little death. I finally experienced it. This night I died in her arms, it must've been something she said, or tried to say.

I remember my mother. The image of her has almost faded from my mind, but her words still echo so clearly through my head.

'Don't be like your grandfather. Don't be like Gellert. Live your own life.'

I tried, but it didn't work. I lived a life and tried to make it mine, but it was all an illusion. The smiles weren't real, the words weren't mine. I am like my grandfather and I cannot pretend to be someone else. I am sorry, mother, and I apologise to you as well, Sirius.

I don't know if it changes anything, but to me, Sirius was like the sunset. He was all kinds of beautiful bundled together. He made my heart drown in love, almost, but it wasn't enough. The life he showed me wasn't enough. He wasn't enough.

My halo's slipping down; the time has finally come to leave everything behind. He is waiting for me. I can feel his mark burning on my arm. His impatience courses through my veins and his rage is also mine.

The Dark Lord is calling and my answer is clear; I'm coming. One last time I reflect on my crimes against humanity. I think of Sirius and his loving embrace; I think of my mother and the faith she has in me. Do I really want to let them down? But then I see Dorcas and the Muggles of Liverpool again and I know the answer before I've even asked the question.

I will not go back to them. **And if I had the chance to do it all over, I confess, I'd do it again.**


End file.
